When a boyfriend fails to fulfill his sexual duties, sometimes the only option is to turn to the cold embrace of a snowman.
When a lover doesn’t fulfill you, my first instinct is
definitely NOT to have sex in my front yard with a snowman that may or may not
be animate. But, without further ado, I
give you “Frosty the Snowman”, the Snowballin’ Version.
Frosty the snowman was a jolly
happy soul
With a corncob pipe and a
button nose
and two eyes made out of coal
I’ll begin with Frosty was most definitely a jolly, happy
soul. But he didn’t have a button nose
in this version…more like a giant ice cock and balls.
Frosty the snowman is a fairy
tale they say
He was made of snow but the
children
know how he came to life one
day
He came to life one day FOR SURE. Enough to life that the protagonist of the
story manages to have sex with him. I’m
just glad his stick arms and hands never got involved. I was bracing myself for that one.
There must have been some magic
in that
old silk hat they found
There was no silk hat, merely the aforementioned giant ice
cock and balls and apparently the deeply unsatisfied mojo of a woman scorned.
For when they placed it on his
head
Yeah, the OTHER head.
he began to dance around
I wouldn’t call it dancing, exactly. There was hip thrusting involved, though.
O
Frosty the snowman
Yeah, that’s what she said.
was alive as he could be
He was alive, all right.
And the children say he could
laugh
and play just the same as you
and me
Don’t worry, I’m fairly certain no children were a witness
to the events in this book.
Thumpetty thump thump
thumpety thump thump
Look at Frosty go
Thumpetty thump thump
thumpety thump thump
Speaks for itself, really.
Over the hills of snow
If you want to call them “hills”, well then, sure.
Frosty the snowman knew
the sun was hot that day
It wasn’t the sun that was hot.
So he said
"Let's run and
we'll have some fun
now before I melt away”
Oh, they had fun before he melted away. At least, the deranged woman having sex with
a snow sculpture with a giant ice dong in her front yard did.
Down to the village
with a broomstick in his hand
Running here and there all
around the square saying
Catch me if you can
I don’t think anyone played hard to get in this story.
He led them down the streets of
town
right to the traffic cop
I wish there’d been a human cop involved, either to take the
heroine in for a 24 hour psych hold or to give her the human action she
obviously so desperately needs.
And he only paused a moment
when
he heard him holler
"Stop!"
That was me screaming “STOP” as I read this story.
For Frosty the snow man
had to hurry on his way
Frosty was no minute man, he gave her what she needed. Fo’ sho!
But he waved goodbye saying
"Don't you cry
I'll be back again some day”
Oh yeah, he’ll be back. Snowballin’ two, anyone?
Thumpetty thump thump
thumpety thump thump
Look at Frosty go
Thumpetty thump thump
thumpety thump thump
Over the hills of snow
Don’t worry, I’ll never look at this song the same way again
either.
For creativity and creepiness factor alone, this is a 4 star
book. In 13 pages it managed to
single-handedly ruin the whole of the winter season for me.
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